


Custom Plumbing

by JMA



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Alternate Universe - Historical, Body Dysphoria, Figuring Things Out, Fluff, Genderfluid Character, Humor, Humour, Intersex, Light-Hearted, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-18
Updated: 2019-07-18
Packaged: 2020-07-07 20:15:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,286
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19857385
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JMA/pseuds/JMA
Summary: Crowley figures out his own arrangements.This story does not contain any sex. It does contain various genitals, a mule and Aziraphale having to explain to Heaven why he drunkenly miracled genitals onto a demon.





	Custom Plumbing

Custom Plumbing or The Trouble with Testicles.

  
When Crawley first took human form he didn't bother with genitals. He didn't eat, drink or breed so he didn't see much point in adding a bit of kit that was bound to get in the way. Otherwise he'd modelled his human body on the angels and humans he saw, and assumed the angels hadn't bothered with the dangly bits either.

He hadn't been entirely right about that.

Crawley got his first set of genitals thanks to Aziraphale. 

It had been early on, and while they hadn't exactly been on friendly terms Aziraphale wasn't as openly hostile as the other angels had been. Plus the whole thing with the sword had been pretty hilarious.

Aziraphale was particularly entertaining and non-hostile when he was sloshing around an animal bladder full of fermented something that humans had made.

"They make it for ceremonies and the like. It's absolutely divine." Aziraphale screwed his face up. He seemed to be having trouble getting his features under control. "No, not actually divine. But good. Not 'Good' good. Enjoyable! You'll like it. "

The angel certainly had looked like he was having a good time, and this fermented stuff undoubtedly made Crawley's job easier when the humans drank it. Eventually Crawley found himself tempted to try a swig. It hasn't taken all that much tempting to be perfectly honest.  
And another.  
And several more after that.

The next morning he was left with only a handful of hazy memories. Aziraphale bopping completely out of time with the drumming. The pair of them sitting on a log overlooking the big fire, laughing hysterically at something he couldn't quite remember. He thought he might have fallen off the log at some point. Crawley remembered explaining to Aziraphale about the stars but had the distinct impression of doing a less than stellar job of it, mostly because he forgot where he started and what he was actually talking about. Few memories, but the definite impression of having one of the best nights of his life. 

But by Heaven he was paying for it now. 

There was a funny taste in his mouth, like something had died in there. The drums from last night pounded away behind his eyes, which he kept firmly closed because the morning sun was out to kill him.  
  
"Is this what Hell feels like?" The voice came from somewhere off to his right, and soundeda bit like Aziraphale if the angel had tried to gargle rocks.

"Hnurgh," Crawley replied with all the articulation he could muster. He wasn’t sure if he'd fallen off the log or not, but he clearly hadn't made it very far judging by the blessed thing digging into his arse. Crawley also felt uncomfortably full, low in his pelvis. It was a steady, insistent sensation that he’d never felt before. He'd also never felt the strange stiffening sensation in that part of his body because...  
.. body part?

Crawley must've got sand in his eyes, because they felt like gravel when he opened them. He looked down. He squealed.

Aziraphale groaned. "Be gone foul beast."  
  
"Aziraphale!" Crawley croaked urgently "What the Heaven happened last night? I've got... I've got..." 

Aziraphale's face appeared from the other side of the log. He looked like he'd been run over by a herd of goats. The angel blinked several times, and then looked at the offending body part.

"It's just a penis, Crawley. About half the humans have one," he said, resting his forehead on the log.

"I don't. Didn't. Where'd it come from?" 

Aziraphale groaned again. Apparently he wasn't up for questioning. Crawley didn't care - he'd woken up with a brand new body part and was blessed if he wasn't going to get answers.

Aziraphale lifted his head again. "I think I am going to be in trouble for this. I've already been spoken to about inappropriate miracles."

"For what? Angel, did you miracle me a cock?"

Aziraphale nodded. "You needed to urinate. Kept going on and on about how you were going to explode. This body had one as standard, I was trying to help."

Crawley had a vague memory of standing against a tree and feeling an unholy, profound sense of relief. And wet feet. His body suggested he would need to do the same again very, very soon. Preferably, without the wet feet.

Crawley, with considerable effort, heaved himself standing. He stumbled a few steps before aiming himself at a nearby bush and releasing a stream of urine. It stank, but it felt a lot better than keeping it in. He'd seen humans do this before; he just never thought he'd have to do it for himself.

He'd seen humans do other things with their genitals as well. 

"Angel? Angel!"

Aziraphale heaved his head back up off the log. "I don't know how to banish a demon, but I'm about to give it a damn good try. What do you want Crawley?"

"Did you have sex with my genitals?"

The look of abject horror on Aziraphale's face suggested that he had not. "Don't be absurd. We've got genitals, not hormones."

"Oh. Right then. Good." Crawley staggered back to the log and sat down. He had a bit of a look at the whole set up. The hose was useful, obviously, but the dangling monstrosity down below was a bit of a mystery. He'd never taken that close of a look before.

"Do you really need to be doing that so close to my head?"

"What're these for?" Crawley asked ignoring the angel's complaint. He gave the offending organ a flick and felt an immediate, physical regret. It was an entirely new type of pain, both very localised and very encompassing at the same time. He doubled over and vowed never, ever to do that again.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you."

Crawley nodded. 

"They're testicles. Humans use them to produce sperm for mating. We don't need them but they come with the set. You just have to be a bit careful with them."

"How do you know all this?" Crawley asked, still feeling tender and more than a little wary. 

"There was a seminar when I got the body. It was very interesting. Your lot didn't do one?" They hadn't. Crawley had sort of winged it as he went.

"Look, "Aziraphale continued, "Do you want me to miracle the genitalia away again?" He didn't sound enthusiastic about it.

"No, " Crawley waved him off, "I'll figure it out myself. Save you from having to explaining it to upstairs."

Aziraphale grunted his thanks, rubbing his eyelids. "But honestly Crawley, please go away." 

He did, but he didn't magic away the genitalia because his body hadn't quite finished removing the night’s drink. In a few years’ time Crowley would figure out how to sober up with a miracle, and excitedly share the trick with Aziraphale, but right now they both had to deal with the physical aftermath the human way. It wasn't all bad. While watering a nearby bush he got talking with a young man from a neighboring clan and discovered a good, solid lead on some potential mischief.

  
Overall, Crawley wasn't all too enamoured with testicles. The penis itself was useful, but testicles were a badly designed afterthought. Why the Great Creator thought it was a good idea to keep such a sensitive organ in such an unprotected spot, held on with a bit of leftover elbow skin, was completely beyond him.

They got in the way. He had to be careful where, and on what he sat.

They interfered with his walk.

He tried out female genitals when he was presenting as a woman. There were some good design ideas there, tucking everything up inside nice and safe. Not having hormones meant he didn't have to deal with that menstruation business, but there were definitely some downsides that made him less inclined to drink with those organs. Crawley, now calling himself Crowley, kept things that way for a few years until he had a near miss with a group of soldiers while presenting as male. It had left him shaken enough to put up with the inconvenience of testicles full time.

But Crowley didn't feel like himself. He couldn't get comfortable in his skin. Then there was the Incident With The Mule. 

Crowley had been in a dusty marketplace tempting a young boy with an unfortunate haircut to steal some food. The boy wasn't hungry, which was bad timing on Crowley's part, but he was really getting somewhere when he walked behind an ill-tempered mule and the world momentarily ended.

Crowley dropped like a stone, curled up like the foetus he never was. His world was a ball of pain radiating outwards from a very, very specific point. 

When he was finally able to speak he cursed the mule, the village and the people in it. Unfortunately for him only one of the curses took hold and he was run out of the village a week later. 

Twice Crowley had forgotten what genitals to wear while presenting as female. The first time was in Kuri. Crowley had been trying to get Kripi to her husband to talk to the king. It was a hot summer and the women were bathing and Crowley just...forgot. The other ladies had been surprised, but Kripi just patted Crowley's arm comfortingly and explained that she had a friend who was hijra and offered some tips to make Crowley present more feminine. It was kind, and when Crowley figured out exactly what the heaven hijra meant, she'd been even more impressed with humans than she had been before.

The second time she had not been so lucky. Crowley had arranged to be given to an aging warlord as a bride, in order to tempt his son into assuming the mantle of power by helping the old man to his eternal rest a few years ahead of time. The old warlord hadn't been up to more than stroking Crowley's hair, and she was certainly glad her inside info had been correct on that part, but she hadn't considered that hos concubines had a complete hierachy of their own.

Crowley had enough time in the warlord's cells to pin the blame on that bitch Suri, while also acknowledging that perhaps she made things a little bit harder by not remembering to switch gonads. Crowley had rectified the situation, and was now waiting for one of the eunichs to drag her in front of the court. The little bitch would get her just deserts when Crowley lifted her skirt to show perfectly normal female anatomy. Suri would have to justify her accusations before the whole court and, quite frankly, Crowley was looking forward to it.

"Crowley? Is that you?"

"Aziraphale!" Crowley couldn't help smiling. "Are you Chief Eunich nowdays?"

"Yes. I have to try and convince the son to murder his father, which quite frankly sounds a lot more like something your lot would do."

" 's why I'm here too. Apparently neither side likes dear old dad."

"Oh. But why are you "here" here?" Aziraphale asked. "I'm meant to be taking a prisoner to his execution. Apparently some man infiltrated the women's palace."

Crowley raised a finger. "Uh ha, a woman infiltrated the women's palace. I'm gonna flash the old man my girlie bits and prove my innocence. I just forgot before, but I've got it all sorted out now, no harm done."

Aziraphale rolled his eyes. "You forgot? Heaven help me. That Suri you have offended is currently the son's favorite. No trial for you, my dear."

"Oh. Right. Do you mind looking the other way while I escape?"

"Just make it convincing."

Genitals brought nothing but trouble.

And yet humans seemed so very, very fond of them. Throw in a bunch of hormones and humans did the stupidest things just to rub up against another humans genitals.

Take Muitzotl for instance. Crowley really liked the prince and they'd shared an interest in engineering and astronomy. But he'd also been something of a colossal perv. Crowley spent a few months there until he saw his first human sacrifice and high-tailed it out of the Americas altogether, but while he was a guest he'd gotten to know Muitzotl's menagerie.

"I really can't tempt you to try one," Muitzotl laughed, knowing the answer already. He liked showing off his treasures. This one was white all over, this was two girls joined as one since birth. This one is both male and female.

"Sorry, what?" Crowley sat up in his chair, showing the first sign of interest since they'd stopped discussing the movement of the stars.

"I knew it!" Muitzotl clapped his enormous hands, "Find a man's lust and you find the key to his downfall."

Her name was Mitli and she had grown up on a farm. Crowley spent the night talking to her and, with her permission, examining her.

He made some personal adjustments to his own plumbing, feeling at once more comfortable in his skin

Mitli wasn't the only one, now he knew that such a thing existed. It popped up now and then with many different physical variations all over the world. Humans in all their infinite glory.

Crowley got his walk back. And, for the most part, humans didn't look close enough to see what he was missing. And anyone who did look, well, he'd cross that bridge when he came to it.

He'd told Aziraphale of course, surprised to find the angel more than a little indifferent to what Crowley thought was the best idea ever. The best he got out of it was a gentle, "If it makes you happy, dear,"

It did.

**Author's Note:**

> Seriously, just a bit of headcanon

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[podfic] Custom Plumbing](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20723948) by [ExMarks](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ExMarks/pseuds/ExMarks)




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